wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.