[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*