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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.