I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
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Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
It’s a gift
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Every work meeting this week
another case of gang violins
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
honestly, i need both:
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism