*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”