I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Festive toon…
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
🙋♀️
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]