*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.