*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
i baked you a cake
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
i love modern commerce
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
👾👾👾
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex