When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Do not levitate over flowers
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*frowns in Scottish*
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy