my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.