I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute