When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Hey i am sexy to you now
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there