People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
File under excellent bookstore names.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?