Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
You Might Also Like
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy