Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna