How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?