Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I put the mess in domestic.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth