So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
sigh
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you