My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
You Might Also Like
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
They did not miss in the small print
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.