I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.