disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish