Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds