I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no