HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.