Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
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Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
no regrets
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Chemical wingman
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“OMGJK” -atheists
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?