As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
All is fair in drunk and war.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.