Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]