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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP