My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat