I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
This could’ve been an email.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
How can I say no to this ?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”