During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask