Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.