Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
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BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.