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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?