Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
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Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
馃き馃槀
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn鈥檛 matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we鈥檒l make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Mommy’s little speed bumps 馃槵
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It鈥檚 ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Considering both Bruce Wayne鈥檚 parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 馃し
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I鈥檓 hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]