DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense