Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.