why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
this is the greatest thing ever
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Holy moly
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?