I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I falcon love using swear birds
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets