Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I’M CRYINGGG
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.