I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Wasps: bees, but not helping
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*