Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?