Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
How do dragons blow out candles?