My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.