7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.