Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.