If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Morning.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
my proudest tweet
A French press is when you hug naked
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.