If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I saw nothing
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
i actually laughed 😩
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.