Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
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How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
my name if I was in the mob
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!