I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Schrödinger’s cookie
I just ran a .003048K
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure